Are we ashamed of our sadness? Does it make us feel vulnerable? Or do we view it as being silly? Do we think we should just get over it, and pull ourselves together?
I feel sad today
Maybe it’s because I’ve got my period, or it’s down to the sh*t nights sleep I had (nothing new there). Perhaps it’s because a big anniversary is coming up, and birthdays of people from my past are looming. I’m a numbers person, and these dates are playing heavily on my mind. Long forgotten memories aren’t as far back as they usually are, and they’ve been creeping into my dreams and haunting me (never pleasant).
I’m also really worried about a handful of my close friends, who are going through hard times at the moment – damn you mid life crisis! The physical distance that separates us means I can’t just pop round and give them a hug. Or receive one for that matter. Distance can be such a curse.
Then there’s social media – which makes me sad and upsets me on various levels. Alas, it’s a necessary evil for a person whose soul income is derived from online activities.
Needless to say that on top of all this, there are the big scary thoughts running through my mind about the future, and what it holds. Some days the weight of responsibility feels like a noose around my neck, and I’m literally terrified about what might be on the cards.
It’s come to my attention that being a grown up is bloody hard work
Some days I ace it. Some days I wake up with a four on the clock, and can’t get back to sleep because my head is literally buzzing with ideas. Good ones at that. This is when my gold is usually is written. I don’t even crash and burn in the afternoon, because my brain is so alive. I’m an A* mama, the house is gleaming and hubby comes home to a restaurant worthy meal.
Other days, days like today, I can barely focus on playing a simple game with my two year old. I’m distracted easily, and absentmindedly flit from one thing to another without finishing. I get annoyed at the mundane tasks, and resent loading the dishwasher for the second time.
On days like today, I want to swear loudly when I tread on Lego or almost slip on the flashcards that are scattered all over the living room floor. The noise is too much, and makes my head feel like it’s going to explode. I’m a crap mum, snappy partner and useless housewife.
On days like today the sleep deprivation gets the better of me, and the stress of life’s challenges is just too much. I find it hard to not sweat the small stuff, and let the little things go, even though I know I should.
Today I just feel sad. So rather than fight it, I’m going to own this sadness, hope that it passes quickly, and cross my fingers for a brighter day tomorrow.
Sending a hug to anyone else feeling the sadness right now 💗