I pride myself on my togetherness. My normalness. Some people consider the N Word to be as dirty as the C Word, no not Christmas. I don’t though. With my background, being as normal as I am now is a wonderful thing.
Lately though, I don’t feel very together. I can’t seem to shake my sadness. It comes and goes, and comes back again.
Sadness at the state of the world.
Sadness at what human beings are capable of doing to each other.
Sadness at the big picture.
Sadness at the small picture.
It feels like we take two steps forward and three back where my eldest is concerned, and it terrifies me.
The violence. The spitefulness. The screaming. The pinching. The destroying. The soul destroying.
I can’t bring myself to think about the future because it reduces me tears.
Questions plague me: what if we don’t manage to get her on an even keel? What if it just continues to get worse and worse? What if all the love and good parenting in the world isn’t enough?
What if our family becomes so messed up, and lost among the shouting and throwing and hitting and kicking, that we can’t get ourselves back to happy?
What if we’ve made a huge mistake deciding to home educate?
What if so much damage has already been done to my marriage that it doesn’t survive?
These are the thoughts that run through my mind on a loop. Eating away at my sanity and waking me up in the middle of the night when the kids are actually sleeping.
Maybe I’m turning into an emotional wreck?
Maybe it’s the six long years of sleep deprivation getting the better of me?
Maybe it’s because Freddy has been unwell (the pox, poor boy), which has triggered off Polly’s morbid obsession with death that has been apparent since we lost Andy’s granddad?
Or maybe it’s the relentless one thing after another cycle that our life has been this year? So much stress that I can almost see the god damn cortisol.
I know there is lots to be grateful for. I also know that I’m not a robot though. I’m not super human. I have my limits.
So what am I going to do about it?
First and foremost, as I mentioned recently, social media is not my friend when I’m feeling low. I’ve been online less and less these last few weeks and gone entire days without checking Facebook (my main nemesis). This has definitely helped.
Polly declared the other day that she hates me looking at my phone, so this has been the final kick up the bum I needed to completely stop checking it as much during the day. If I miss a blogging opportunity because I can’t answer an email quick enough then so be it.
I’m trying my hardest to not beat myself up and add extra pressure where it doesn’t need to be.
After all these years of doing everything myself and never asking for help, that is going to change. My lovely neighbour has offered to do some arts and crafts lessons at her house, which I’ll be taking her up on soonest. Any offer of the Grandparents coming to help out will be snapped up without hesitation.
And to end on a positive note, my wonderful friend is taking the girls off our hands this weekend for a sleepover, which will provide a much needed time out. Some breathing space, so we can gather our thoughts and just be for 24 hours.
Only three more sleeps… not that I’m counting 😉