Autism Parenting

One Thing After Another

One Thing After AnotherI pride myself on my togetherness. My normalness. Some people consider the N Word to be as dirty as the C Word, no not Christmas. I don’t though. With my background, being as normal as I am now is a wonderful thing.

Lately though, I don’t feel very together. I can’t seem to shake my sadness. It comes and goes, and comes back again.

Sadness at the state of the world.

Sadness at what human beings are capable of doing to each other.

Sadness at the big picture.

Sadness at the small picture.

It feels like we take two steps forward and three back where my eldest is concerned, and it terrifies me.

The violence. The spitefulness. The screaming. The pinching. The destroying. The soul destroying.

I can’t bring myself to think about the future because it reduces me tears.

Questions plague me: what if we don’t manage to get her on an even keel? What if it just continues to get worse and worse? What if all the love and good parenting in the world isn’t enough?

What if our family becomes so messed up, and lost among the shouting and throwing and hitting and kicking, that we can’t get ourselves back to happy?

What if we’ve made a huge mistake deciding to home educate

What if so much damage has already been done to my marriage that it doesn’t survive?

These are the thoughts that run through my mind on a loop. Eating away at my sanity and waking me up in the middle of the night when the kids are actually sleeping.

Maybe I’m turning into an emotional wreck?

Maybe it’s the six long years of sleep deprivation getting the better of me?

2015-12-09 08.18.41Maybe it’s because Freddy has been unwell (the pox, poor boy), which has triggered off Polly’s morbid obsession with death that has been apparent since we lost Andy’s granddad? 

Or maybe it’s the relentless one thing after another cycle that our life has been this year? So much stress that I can almost see the god damn cortisol.

I know there is lots to be grateful for. I also know that I’m not a robot thoughI’m not super human. I have my limits.  

So what am I going to do about it?

First and foremost, as I mentioned recently, social media is not my friend when I’m feeling low. I’ve been online less and less these last few weeks and gone entire days without checking Facebook (my main nemesis). This has definitely helped.

Polly declared the other day that she hates me looking at my phone, so this has been the final kick up the bum I needed to completely stop checking it as much during the day. If I miss a blogging opportunity because I can’t answer an email quick enough then so be it.

I’m trying my hardest to not beat myself up and add extra pressure where it doesn’t need to be.

After all these years of doing everything myself and never asking for help, that is going to change. My lovely neighbour has offered to do some arts and crafts lessons at her house, which I’ll be taking her up on soonest. Any offer of the Grandparents coming to help out will be snapped up without hesitation.       

And to end on a positive note, my wonderful friend is taking the girls off our hands this weekend for a sleepover, which will provide a much needed time out. Some breathing space, so we can gather our thoughts and just be for 24 hours.

Only three more sleeps… not that I’m counting 😉 

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mummytries

Full time wife and mummy to three, home educator, blogger, wannabee chef and published author. Follow me on my journey through life...

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24 Comments

  1. Thanks so much for all your support lovely, it’s very appreciated xx

  2. Thank you honey, and don’t ever apologise for not leaving a comment, you’ve always been a huge supporter of mine and I really appreciate it.

    The kids are now on the up at last, thank goodness for that! xx

  3. I’m sorry I didn’t comment on this days ago Reneé – I really hope that the sleepover over the weekend has given you the breather you needed. I definitely don’t blame you for taking a step back from the social media right now – it can be such a negative thing at times and even though we know everything we do about mindfulness and being present in our children’s company it can be all too easy to slip into bad habits when we’re feeling a bit bored or when some interesting looking notification pops up. I really hope Freddy is on the mend and that you guys have been able to conclude that although these are particularly hard times right now, it doesn’t mean that there is no hope – you’re bloody strong and clearly someone who will fight to get things back on an even keel. Plus I think you know yourself that, when the stress wanes, the family will be held together by love and really genuinely caring about and understanding each other. Xxx

  4. I’m so sorry Renee, I wish there was something concrete I could do to help, and if I lived round the corner, I would be right there. I read this when you published and felt so sad, but just didn’t know what to say. But, if there is anything the last couple of months have taught me, saying something is always better than saying nothing. So, know that you are an amazing mum and I am in awe of how you cope with all of this. And, know that I’m here, albeit virtually, for support whenever you need it x

  5. Thanks so much my dear friend, you are too kind and always wonderful! Parenting is a huge learning curve, and especially for our P, we are constantly having to change the way we do things to accommodate her better and give her the best chances she can have for the future. Gone are the days I can justify sitting around looking at my phone while the kids are about, because it causes too many problems. Do you know what though? It’s the best thing I’ve done recently, because ultimately being engrossed in my phone serves absolutely no one but me – as a wife and mum of three, that just isn’t fair on the family xxx

  6. I read this the other day on my phone while I was at my parents’ house. But I dropped my phone like a hot potato when I read the line where you said that P declared she hated you looking at your phone. Even though he hasn’t said it to me, I know Finley hates me looking at my phone. I feel no resentment at him for this – he has every right to feel pissed off at me looking at my phone as much as I do.

    I admire every single action you take when it comes to looking after your kids. You are an inspiration in parenting – truly. The sacrifices and (self) discipline you have with everything you do for your kids astounds me. You’re more than entitled to have dark times and periods of self-doubt. We (your friends) are here for you when you need us.

    Social media is nobody’s friend, and you’re all the wiser for recognising this. It is fairly poisonous (understatement) and breeds so much negative energy (although frequently masquerading as positive energy). You are one of the most together people I know and even if you don’t feel it right now, it is truth. And remember – Free Range Chick speaks truths!

    Love to you Honey, always. Genuinely xxx

  7. It really has been a shocker! I think also it’s felt worse after having such a monumentally awesome year last year! The poor boy is really suffering with the pox, and now my eldest has broken into spots, despite having had it twice already. Not sure how much rest will be had, but we’ll work something out. Thanks so much for dropping by, and your kind words xxx

  8. Thanks my darling, blogging really isn’t at the top of my list at the moment. Just as well I did all my sponsored posts and reviews for the year already 😉 nice bit of R&R for Christmas now me thinks xxx

  9. You are so lovely Nat, thanks so much for your gorgeous words… which had me in tears when I read them on Wednesday! Hugs back at ya xxx

  10. Thanks so much for sharing this with me Suzanne. As you know I am an avid follower of yours, and knowing how you’ve risen above similar challenges gives me so much hope! This week we enlisted the help of a behavioural psychologist, so fingers crossed this will be a turning point xx

  11. Thank you darling, lots of love back at ya xx

  12. Oh Renee it’s been a tough year both personally for you and your family and globally with everything that has been happening, you’re bound to need some time just to process it all, which you haven’t really had. I really hope that this weekend gives you time, space and sleep that you need to let you really relax and give you a little strength, and more of yourself, back. xxx

  13. Thank you my lovely, I try not to let those thoughts get the better of me… in the midst of it all though, it’s extremely difficult to keep the thoughts rational at all times… especially when half the house is ill and the other half are also being very needy! It never just rains does it!!

  14. Thanks Yvonne, you are very kind! It will definitely pass, but you know what it’s like when we’re in the thick of it xx

  15. Thanks so much lovely Vicki. Mindfulness is definitely on the agenda this weekend xx

  16. Thanks so much for your kind words Susan xx

  17. You are together, you are amazing and you are wonderful. We all have moments, we all need help at times and there is nothing wrong with that. We are also human and you are a great mother. Enjoy your time just breathing and being for a short time. Hugs my lovely x

  18. Oh Renee. I read your post last night. I didn’t really know how to respond. I’m so sorry that you are feeling so sad. We have all been there, constantly questioning everything that we do…every decision we make…every move me take! It is awful. Take some time out this weekend when the girls aren’t there to do some meditation or mindfulness. I find it really helps me to stop that constant critising voice for a little while. A bit of exercise also helps me…a quick jog around the village and I leave my worries behind me. Shout if you need a chat…or ring me xxx

  19. Dear Lovely,

    I’m lost for words reading this. I’m not sure what to say that would make you feel like it’s going to okay. There is a Nigerian proverb that translates to, whatever goes up must surely come down… So this will pass. Take offer of help and ask for help… We all need help.
    I hope my words are an encouragement to you. Try and have a fab day.

    Yvonne xxx

  20. You *are* together, Reneé. I do find it heartbreaking when you have had to struggle so hard for so long all your life, if anyone deserves a break, it’s you. In a way, it doesn’t seem fair. I wonder if it’s as that feeling that is difficult for you, as much as the physical trials and tribulations of lack of sleep and always being on call to your little ones and their needs.
    You are one of *the most amazing people* I know for the way you have triumphed over all life has dealt you. I know that is not much of a consolation. I hope you enjoy your day off, you really really do deserve it.

  21. Oh honey my tummy is in knots reading your post. We all feel like that at times, whether we write about it or not, and you’ve described eloquently the tough tough times we sometimes go through as parents, spouses, people… I’m sending you tons of love and if you need a friendly call, let me know and I’ll ring you. xx

  22. Renee this is so hard and I can definitely see myself in some of your words. We were here about 3 years ago – screaming shouting fits every single night. It’s exhausting and such a strain on all relationships. We went to get some help for a family counsellor. Not for the child but for us. She never knew we went and doesn’t need to know but we needed our confidence as parents back. We began putting in some very strong boundaries for her and after 6 months of hard work and absolutely no wavering, it turned around. Completely. Ok she’s always going to be a challenge and a little bit feisty but that’s ok, we can deal with that. To be honest, I had lost my fight and didn’t know how to deal with anything any more. You will get there Renee but while you’re in a tricky place try to be kind to yourself and look for 3 good things in any one day – they are there if we look hard enough. Enjoy your weekend break, it’s so needed from time to time. x x

  23. Oh hun! I just want to send you hugs, hot choc and cake and give you a den to go hide from everyone for a bit! Little dude reacts with anger, screaming, shouting, throwing and more when in reaction phase, so I understand a little of what you’re going through. I can only imagine what it must be like on a daily basis.
    You are such a strong and brave mummy, and as long as I’ve known you, your guts and determination to do the absolute best for your children in spite of the challenges you face shines through.
    Enjoy this weekend childfree, lord knows you more than deserve it, and I hope it gives you a chance to recharge your batteries and regroup.
    Big hugs xx

  24. Hugs hon, you really have been through it this year so no wonder you are feeling stressed. Hooray for your friends as I am sure a break will do you the world of.good. good for you on less phone and social media too. Blogging isn’t as important as everything else you have going on. Go easy on yourself too hon you have a lot to deal with! Xx

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