First post – a bit of background

not being perfect

I often wonder how I went from being the life and soul of a party to a person invited only to make up the numbers. In my teens and early twenties I would burst into a room bringing an energy people were desperate to be around, but these days I feel quite self conscious about socialising and rarely do so anyway. The disparity between then and now is monumental but entirely necessary.

I had a dysfunctional childhood and suppose you could say I was dragged up. I have many war wounds from my past which sometimes haunt me when I’m sleeping. I left home at 15 with no money or eduction, but a series of fortunate events meant I’ve never gone hungry or been homeless. I’ve travelled the world and have an amazing and adoring husband. Holding onto my sanity at times has been difficult, but against the odds I consider myself to be a well rounded dependable person – a good mum, wife and friend.

I cut ties with my mother almost a decade ago, and although I miss not having a mum, I don’t miss her and the drama she used to bring to my life. I’m also estranged from all my aunts, uncles, cousins and the half-siblings I grew up with. Although lots of people I know have issues with their family, I’m the only person I know of that has actually walked away. It probably says a lot about me as a person.

For the first year I felt utterly bereft, and went fully into self destruct mode – using alcohol and partying to numb my pain – something I’d been doing for quite a while at that point. When I hit my rock bottom towards the end of 2006, it came with the realisation that I was totally alone and needed to change my wicked ways. I worked hard to become a better person, one I actually liked and could stand looking at in the mirror.

Fast forward six, seven years and here I am surviving to tell a different tale. I’m not an alpha mum and neither do I strive for perfection. Our house often looks like it’s just been burgled, but I really have no intention of keeping it spotless just in case someone pops round. I don’t bother trying to keep up with the Joneses, and do things my own way. We have no extra pairs of hands, so it’s all about the four of us. Although motherhood and marriage are the best things that have happened to me, the weight of responsibility can be immense. Ultimately though, the happiness of my girls and hubby is all that matters. The rest just isn’t important.

27 thoughts on “First post – a bit of background

  1. Sorry to hear that you’ve had such a tough time with friends, amen for the fabulous blogging community πŸ™‚ and of course the poor long suffering husband’s, who let’s face it, are our rocks!!

  2. A powerful post. πŸ™‚
    I am also alone with no helping hands from family or friends. The first one because I live in a different country to my family, and the 2nd because I don’t have any local friends that I have that sort of relationship with.
    At times I feel very very lonely and I dearly miss my teens when I had friends to pop over to or my early twenties when I lived with my best friend.

    She is no longer my best friend, and I don’t have any contact with any of the friends I had growing up. We just went our seperate ways you could say. I started a family early, others decided on a career, the two didn’t match so to speak, and even now when I do visit my home town, I feel I have nothing in common with old friends even though they are now married and have a house and kids of their own.

    It’s hard, and depressing at times, but I have my kids and I have my hubby. πŸ™‚ But I do truly miss a friend that is more then a ‘hello’, and more of a ‘cuppa’. πŸ™‚

  3. Thanks so much for your kind words Tony! It’s been a long old journey to get to where I am today and if sharing it can make a difference to other people, well that makes me really happy πŸ™‚ Can’t wait to hear your thoughts on the book!

  4. I said I would pop back and read this and I’m so glad I did. I’m often amazed by the courage of bloggers and the hidden lives that they now lay bare for all to read about. You’re the only one I know who has walked away from their family; I know several who have walked away from a bad relationship, but I can only imagine how much harder it is to walk away from blood. Like it or not, you are an inspiration and no matter how bad things get in life, there is always hope and things can get better, you just have to believe it, make it happen, and have a little bit of luck. I look forward to reading your book once my wife is finished with it.

  5. You say the nicest kindest things to me Denise! * blushes*

    Believe it or not, I truly didn’t realise how dysfunctional my childhood was until I had my first breakdown at 23. Then I went to counselling and it all came out in the wash…

    This meant I had almost a decade after leaving home of being a carefree spirit; wandering around making friends with anyone that wanted to and deeply enjoying my life. It was a lot of fun, and I’m pleased I had those years of not questioning things too deeply or taking life too seriously.

    I know now that leaving home at 15 was the best thing that could have happened to me πŸ™‚

  6. Never read this before. Amazing first post. It reminds me of a post you did about memories of partying in Brixton and making friends wherever you went. There’s something about having had that gift of being the life and soul that is special – speaking as one who has never had it. I know being the life and soul is not necessarily the deep be all and end all, but also as someone who had a slightly dysfunctional childhood, dysfunction tends to *rob* you of all those skills that attract others to you and I have had to work hard to gain them.

    I think you have something special in your soul

  7. Thanks so much for sharing this first post with #TheThemeGame. Obviously I’ve read your blog a lot since this first post, so it’s interesting to see your opener and introduction like this x

  8. Ladies, thank you so much for your encouraging words. Sorry it’s taken ages to reply, it’s taken me a while to get the hang of wordpress xx

  9. Wow, what a well-rounded individual you have turned out to be. As you say, against all the odds. Thank you for being so honest. Looking forward to following your journey x

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