Do Not Tell Me To Hang In There

I feel blue at the moment. My soul feels sad.

There’s no getting away from it. There’s no point in me putting on a brave face and pretending otherwise. It’s all the pretending that leads to much of the unhappiness in the world anyway if you ask me.

The amount of times this year that I’ve thought (and said to hubby) I can’t take much more of this. I have no choice though, so I keep taking it.

I was woken up at 5:30 this morning by my 17mo screaming the house down, as he does every morning around this time. I felt like I was hungover, despite not having had any booze or even sugar yesterday. 

P had got up ten minutes or so beforehand and gone downstairs with hubby. C shortly followed and I was in the kitchen cooking breakfast by 6am.

For the next three hours until the girls and hubby left for gymnastics we had a tough time. The pinching. The shouting in faces. Activities lasting three seconds before getting bored with them. Picking up the baby and dropping him, then laughing about it.

Of course there are reasons behind P’s behaviour.

She’s worried about going to gymnastics because she doesn’t like it when everyone stares at her, and coos over her calling her cute. She needs the gymnastics though, because it’s really helping her with balance and core strength.

Ultimately what would be good for her in these circumstances is being separated from the little ones, and having some space on her own. It’s almost impossible to orchestrate in our little, open plan house though. Coupled with the fact that she hates actually being on her own, we’re up against it. 

As awful as it is to say out loud, my life is not very enjoyable at the moment. It’s varying degrees of difficult. My plans often get cancelled. My needs and wants are always at the bottom of the pile. Most of the time I accept this with good grace, this is what it means to be a mother after all.

As I was walking F around the block to get him off for a nap in his buggy after they left, I read a blog post written by a grieving mother and it made me stop in my tracks.

Because no matter how hard my life seems, no-one has died. I have three beautiful children, a fabulous husband, a roof over my head and people in my life whom I adore.

We just have a lot going on. We have a toddler that is very dependent and attached to me, who is up at least twice in the night, sometimes for hours. We have a 6yo who is autistic; and another child in the middle who is trying to assert her place in the world but spends her life in a state of confusion. Not knowing which way is up and which is down.

A bit like me right now. 

Sleep deprivation really is torture, and it’s been six long years for us. I honestly cannot even remember the last time I had more than five solid hours. It was some time last year, when I thought I was super woman and wrote a book in the early hours of the morning.

I know things will improve, but if one more person tells me to hang in there I think I might scream.

For today though, I shall keep reminding myself that nothing terrible has happened.

Although it feels like my plate is piled high with crap it’s not always going to be this way.

I just need to get my positivity back.

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28 thoughts on “Do Not Tell Me To Hang In There

  1. Oh hon don’t apologise, I’m forever missing posts or reading them but getting interrupted mid comment and forgetting to go back to it. Life is crazy busy for most of us, and you should never feel like you’re being a bad friend because you miss a post.

    Fortunately this dark cloud didn’t last too long… and hopefully I’m properly on the up now. Thanks for your lovely, thoughtful words xxx

  2. Renee, I feel like I’ve been in a black hole while I finished my studies and dos virtually no blog reading, missing this post among so many others. It’s shit. And I think it’s totally fair to yourself to say it’s shit. The world and ourselves put massive expectations on us to put a brave face on at the very least, and at best act out the superwoman myth and shrug it all off. Sometimes you just need to scream and punch the air, take deep breaths before facing the fray again. Sending you masses of love and thinking of you, wherever you are in this journey right now (and again, so sorry to be so late, and to be such a rubbish blog-friend) xxx

  3. Hey there. God I can so relate to this. I only dropped by to tell you the good news that you have been picked by Gleam and won my competition @afieldsomewhere. I started reading this and it just felt like reading my own diary! Life is tough. But as you rightly say, we are lucky. I’ve been practicing some mindful exercises from a class I am doing at the moment. It doesn’t make things go away, but it does help slightly

    p.s. I hope you have a fab time at the festival. x

  4. I am soo late to the this post’s party, but I still wanted to just stop by and say, do you know what, you’re well entitled to say, actually life stinks right now and I’ve had enough!

    We have all done it lovely lady, sometimes the drudgery and tiredness and non-stop ness (yep, totally made that up) of parenting just gets too great to bear at times! I’ve certainly had feelings like this, when I’ve just felt weak and rubbish and wanted to run for the hills.

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, parenting (and I only have Elsie) has taken me to the greatest highs but also to some very dark, sad places on occasion. You do get out of them (hopefully), but when you’re in them, one of these dark parenting holes, boy are they tough.

    So look, just do what you need to do to survive and please forgive yourself, because you’re human and you’ve got a lot on your plate and yet you’re still there, still doing your best. It will pass (*ducks*) but until then, know that you’re not alone and we’ve all got your back. Much love xxx

  5. Other people’s problems certainly help to put our own into perspective but that’s not to say that what we are experiencing isn’t difficult. Looking after a baby is hard enough but add an autistic child into the equation and suddenly the stress levels go through the roof. I’ve only had to cope with my autistic child because all our other children are grown up, but having had them as babies, I can imagine how I would be feeling if it was all happening at the same time. Be kind to yourself because there will be days when you need to feel sorry for yourself and vent. Yes, some people are having a harder time of it than you but you will be having a harder time than others. It’s all relative. It’s tough being an autism parent and some days you feel like utter poo and want to get all shouty with the world. These feelings are usually transient. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and try to make time for yourself.
    Much love X

  6. You can’t always be happy. Especially when you have so much going on. But the fact that you are admitting these feelings is huge. Big hugs lovely lady. Mrs H xxxx

  7. Thanks Sam, you always hit the nail on the head! I’m very pleased to report that the weekend perked up after this, just writing a post about it xxx

  8. It’s a double edged sword isn’t it hon. For me I figure F has had 18 months of boobies, which is plenty; it’s time to move on for the whole family. Doesn’t make it any less difficult to achieve or upsetting though. Especially because I absolutely know he is my last baby. Sending hugs and strength your way, can’t wait to see you next week xxx

  9. You can’t always be positive and you’re certainly allowed to be blue sweetie. I’m going through a similar phase at the moment and I’m wondering whether I am inflicting the sleep deprivation on myself. If Wriggly wasn’t breastfeeding I think she’d sleep through. I just can’t bring myself to stop. She loves it, I like it. She’s my last baby. I am weak… I can’t wait to feel like myself again. You ARE an amazing mummy by the way! xxx

  10. Oh Hun so sorry to hear you’re going through this and I hope things get easier and you get some much needed rest. Before now am sending some virtual hugs. Hope they help even the tiniest bit xx

  11. Oh hon, I know that it’s really rough at the moment and it can’t help reading about other peoples’ amazing holidays, etc, at the same time as all this is going on – it makes you want to scream ‘why me?’. I know it’s hard to compare against others who have it worse although that puts things much more in perspective. Supporting someone is obvs much more than platitudes. I hope you are feeling less blue by this point today. Huge hugs Xx

  12. When I read this a few hours ago it left me with tears rolling down my cheeks hon. I’m trying to be more composed now as we’re at soft play! Thank you for all your support my darling, means a lot. Thankfully my hubby and I have a very well timed day to ourselves next week for his birthday. Love your idea of checking into a hotel for some rest. Once Freddy isn’t feeding anymore I’m definitely going to do that. I’ve also bought some high dose vitamin B on yours and another dear friend’s recommendation xxxxx

  13. Lovely, Reneé you really do have a lot to deal with and I think you do an amazing job. Sleep deprivation alone is hard enough to cope with, as are three kids (even if they are saints… which no child is!) so to handle the demands of autism too, well, no wonder you’re feeling on the edge. Sending you lots of love. xx

  14. Sending you huge hugs lovely. You certainly sound like you have a lot on your plate right now and everyone needs to be able to get things off their chest. Really hope that things start improving for you soon, especially on the sleep front – things are always so much harder to cope with when you are chronically sleep-deprived. Love and virtual hugs being sent your way xx

  15. Sending love, lovely. I know, people telling me to ‘hang in there’ just wants to make me punch them in the face. Well meant, but….you have a lot on your plate, life’s troubles aren’t a competition. Sometimes you just need to say that life is crap on a particular day, bottling them up makes it worse as I can attest…hugs xxx

  16. Sending you so much love hun, you are a wise lady and you are right, so often when times are shit we have to accept it for what it is, feel it, scream if we need to, but understand rather than hide from it or cover it up.

    Can anyone give you some time to rest/sleep/ get strong again? Even for a few hours?

    Could you check into a hotel for one night and then your husband the next or anything to help you have much needed time out so you can deal with everything right now.

    I wish I lived closer. This too will pass but right now it’s rubbish and it’s OK to say that, we’ve all had periods that were tough and you darling are brave to get it on the page because when you do, you are not only helping yourself but so many others who know they are not alone.

    I know when I went through a traumatic birth, although I wasn’t strong enough to write about it myself at the time, reading others’ experiences made me feel comforted, huge hugs xxx

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