A Blow To The Head

A blow to the headI woke up with a pounding head and bleary eyes this morning. Being an autism mama, I’m used to the lack of Zzzz’s, but I was shocked when the wearable I got for Christmas told me I’d had just eleven minutes deep sleep (which is what counts) the entire night.

Eleven. Fucking. Minutes! No wonder I felt so crap.

All three kids were up for the day just after 5:30am, and at each other’s throats by six.

We’d decided to take them to the Southbank to ride the London Eye as a New Year treat.

A nice day out

It wasn’t the worst day we’ve had this year by a long stretch, but not a single moment was easy. Every aspect of it was tinged with difficulty, and spent on red alert wondering what might happen next.

Chunks of being on the Eye were spent in meltdown mode.

Standard really, and completely expected

When we got home the children played while I sorted out their dinner. It was all going so well.

Until Freddy wanted one of the three new trains he was given for Xmas. Polly had them all, and didn’t want to share.

I could see it getting nasty and inserted myself between the two of them.

Polly was so incensed with me getting involved that she threw said solid wood train at my head.

Cue blood. And Tears. Lots of both.

My helpful little three year old piped up:

“Mummy you’ve got a cut on your head just like the one on mine.”

She was referring to the A&E adventure she had recently.

P went into meltdown of course, she felt so guilt ridden but didn’t know what to do with those feelings. She apologised more than once, and I know she was genuinely gutted about hurting me.

I’m hoping this was a bit of a wake up call for her, and it doesn’t happen again.

Fortunately the cut wasn’t too deep, and didn’t need medical attention.

We finally got the kids to bed after a drawn out witching hour.

Why am I writing this you might be wondering?

I felt I had to. For all the other mums and dads like us. Unable to go out on New Year’s Eve because it’s too damn hard to orchestrate.

For all those who exist on bugger all sleep, and live in a constant state of flight or fight.

For all those who wake up every morning, and approach the new day with a mixture of fear, dread and anxiety.

For everyone who constantly looks on the bright side, trying to seek out the positives, even when it’s an impossible task.

You are not alone

It feels unbearably grinding right now, but I am sure that brighter times are just around the corner.

They have to be.

I’m sure we’ll look back and laugh about trains getting thrown at our heads.

In the mean time I can only hope the new year brings everyone the happiness they deserve!

29 thoughts on “A Blow To The Head

  1. Thank you. Although this is an old post I hadn’t read it. Today I needed your words.
    I needed to know I am not alone. And that someone else gets it. Thank you.

  2. Oh god lovely, this is so so tough for you all ๐Ÿ™ Big shock all round and I totally would have cried too! Keep staying strong, and hoping things get a little easier this year, especially once you’re all more used to the homeschooling rhythm x

  3. That is so tough. Awful for your daughter because she realised what she had done, but too late and tough for you. Christmas has sent my son into a whole new level of behavioural difficulties. We are all on the edge this end, he hit me so hard today it has really bruised my arm. He’s only just turned four. It’s a matter of time before some of the objects he throws around during his meltdowns really hurts someone. I just pray its not his brothers or at nursery. Thanks for sharing it, I cant even write my blog at the moment as things are so tough but i am reading yours and it makes me feel less alone with it all. xx

  4. Ouch, I bet that hurt! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who struggles sometimes – I have to admit, reading other blog posts about the wonders of parenting etc doesn’t half make you feel like the odd one out. Thanks!

  5. Thanks so much darling. My husband questioned why I was writing it, and truth be told it served several purposes…

    It might have helped someone else not feel so alone.

    It helped me process what had happened and deal with it.

    It stopped me from drowning my sorrows.

    If I don’t blog about this stuff, then honestly, what’s the point of blogging?

    Here’s hoping 2016 is kinder all round lovely xxx

  6. Thanks so much lovely. You’re so right, most folk that have small children stay home anyway. Hope you had a good time whatever you did, and here’s to a fab 2016 all round xx

  7. I remember reading that and wincing Caroline! It’s tough, and last night was so emotionally charged. Hubby thinks the wound being visible is a good thing, because it’ll remind her and hopefully stop her lashing out again xxx

  8. Oh honey that sounds awful, especially being heavily pregnant! Some of P’s all time most challenging behaviour (and worst sleep!) came when I was expecting her brother and sister ๐Ÿ™ sending you gentle hugs hon, and happy vibes for the new year xx

  9. Thank you so much, fortunately mumnesia stops me from dwelling too much. I have a feeling I’m going to want to chuck the wearable in the bin most mornings!! Happy New Year lovely xx

  10. Thanks Sarah. I sat there last night and thought ‘I can’t be the only person feeling like this’, which led me to writing the post, rather than drowning my sorrows. Here’s to a much kinder 2016 all round!

  11. Oh no, so painful isn’t it. I wasn’t even mad, just felt so utterly despondent and balled my eyes out, which hardly ever happens in front of the kids! Just kept consolling myself that at least it was my head and not F or C’s xxx

  12. Thanks so much lovely Denise, you’re always so kind to me. Sounds like you’ve been on such a journey with your two, and it’s good to hear how much easier it’s gotten over the years ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. You’ve just hit the nail on the head Steph! Can’t stay home all the time (especially now we’re home schooling), but every single excursion has to be meticulously planned. It’s exhausting beyond belief, but I don’t need to tell you that ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m sure it’ll start getting easier, just need to get through this bit. Here’s hoping 2016 is marvellous all round xx

  14. Ouch, that does look sore. At some point we realised that we were never going to be able to do a London Eye trip with our girl; it’s a difficult balance though, because it’s so easy to get sucked into the ‘staying at home because it’s easier’ rut, and then you have the opposite side of the coin. All our lives take careful managing and yes, it’s exhausting. So take care of yourself and make sure you have the strength to carry on to when they’re a little bit older, and it will get a little bit less physical and tiring! Happy New Year, may it be a good one for you all x

  15. That looks awful ๐Ÿ™ Hope it is getting better OK. Bless little C for her empathy. My bigger one doesn’t like parties, and has accepted it in herself now although it took her years. We’ve never had a skirmish on that scale, although it came close when she was a bit older. My little one had friends round for the first time and I was unexpectedly glad of the excuse to stay in to look after them, after years of worrying about not going out, or going out and worrying about it being fun enough for all the family. P is so so lucky that you understand what she is going through, and the effects on her emotions on how she is. I do hope 2016 is better for you, you are 100% a tough, brave, wonderful lady for being the amazing mum you are.

  16. My three year old smacked a wooden car down onto my head and drew blood the other day!!
    It’s so hard to remain calm and control your emotions when things like this happen isn’t it?
    I have times when I feel completely overwhelmed by everything but just try to concentrate on all the great moments we have.
    I hope it heels quickly for you xx

  17. Ouch! Well done for sharing. These things do happen and it’s important to acknowledge them publicly so that people realise it is normal, even though it’s crap. Here’s hoping those easier times are round the corner for you in 2016.

  18. Oh my goodness! Sending hugs, caffeine and a big medal! Sounds like one hell of a day! I stopped wearing my sleep tech because the lack of zzz was making me feel worse. We had a challenging trip to the park yesterday but it wasn’t a total disaster. I was in bed by 10 last night. Roll on back to school when our kiddos can get back into their routine and some sort of normality can resume. PS Happy New Year! X

  19. So sorry Renee, that does look sore and I hope you got some better sleep last night. I can’t relate to having a child with autism (as far as I know) but at nearly 18 months Toby screams, headbutts, throws, hits and pinches, he nearly broke my nose a couple of months ago. I worked with kids and adults with autism for 10 years so I know the challenges even though obviously I didn’t live with them 24 hours a day. Wishing you and your family love and peace xxx

  20. Oh Renee you poor thing that does look nasty. Monkey recently landed on me tooth first and cut my forehead so I understand the balancing of their needs and yours when they have hurt you but that is obviously harder with autism thrown in. I hope things get easier for you lovely and you get a bit more sleep! Xxx

  21. Oh 2015 seems to have dealt you some rough cards, and this is an accumilation of the strugg;es of your year. There is a lot of pressure to be out and doing things on NYE when often the reality is to stay indoors with the children tucked up in bed! I hope 2016 allows you the time to breath, to sleep well, the time to enjoy without endurance and more highs than lows
    Here’s to 2016

  22. Oh dear, lovely. Are you okay? That looks nasty. You have had such a rough ride throughout 2015. I really hope that 2016 brings you more peace. And thank you for sharing this. It is so important for people to be able to read these real stories. No fakery. No pretence. Just life. With its highs and lows. Let’s hope for more highs next year. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  23. Oh honey – what a mare! I can imagine I would have shed a few tears if that had been me – it can feel so personal some times but you have to quickly gather yourself and put it in perspective. On the bright side – they’re still in bed right?!! If it’s any consolation I’m home alone myself with plans to avoid all TV – I was going to avoid Facebook as well but it crept up on me – New Year’s Eve pretty much means nothing to me nowadays – just another day. Hope you get a bit more of that deep sleep tonight – oh and nevertheless ‘Happy New Year’ (be rude not to eh?) Xxx

  24. Oh goodness honey that looks sore! But thank you for posting this – we tend to stay in for NYE and to be honest a glass of bubbles and snuggling up on the sofa suits me just fine these days but you’re not alone in struggling with days out en mass! Here’s to a peaceful New Year and wishing you all good things for 2016 xxx

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