I woke up with a pounding head and bleary eyes this morning. Being an autism mama, I’m used to the lack of Zzzz’s, but I was shocked when the wearable I got for Christmas told me I’d had just eleven minutes deep sleep (which is what counts) the entire night.
Eleven. Fucking. Minutes! No wonder I felt so crap.
All three kids were up for the day just after 5:30am, and at each other’s throats by six.
We’d decided to take them to the Southbank to ride the London Eye as a New Year treat.
A nice day out
It wasn’t the worst day we’ve had this year by a long stretch, but not a single moment was easy. Every aspect of it was tinged with difficulty, and spent on red alert wondering what might happen next.
Chunks of being on the Eye were spent in meltdown mode.
Standard really, and completely expected
When we got home the children played while I sorted out their dinner. It was all going so well.
Until Freddy wanted one of the three new trains he was given for Xmas. Polly had them all, and didn’t want to share.
I could see it getting nasty and inserted myself between the two of them.
Polly was so incensed with me getting involved that she threw said solid wood train at my head.
Cue blood. And Tears. Lots of both.
My helpful little three year old piped up:
“Mummy you’ve got a cut on your head just like the one on mine.”
She was referring to the A&E adventure she had recently.
P went into meltdown of course, she felt so guilt ridden but didn’t know what to do with those feelings. She apologised more than once, and I know she was genuinely gutted about hurting me.
I’m hoping this was a bit of a wake up call for her, and it doesn’t happen again.
Fortunately the cut wasn’t too deep, and didn’t need medical attention.
We finally got the kids to bed after a drawn out witching hour.
Why am I writing this you might be wondering?
I felt I had to. For all the other mums and dads like us. Unable to go out on New Year’s Eve because it’s too damn hard to orchestrate.
For all those who exist on bugger all sleep, and live in a constant state of flight or fight.
For all those who wake up every morning, and approach the new day with a mixture of fear, dread and anxiety.
For everyone who constantly looks on the bright side, trying to seek out the positives, even when it’s an impossible task.
You are not alone
It feels unbearably grinding right now, but I am sure that brighter times are just around the corner.
They have to be.
I’m sure we’ll look back and laugh about trains getting thrown at our heads.
In the mean time I can only hope the new year brings everyone the happiness they deserve!